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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.